By Elizabeth, Teaching Assistant
Being a working mother is a constant conflict of feelings.
I vacillate between being proud of my multitasking skills – modeling hard work and problem-solving while raising a kind, creative and inquisitive child – and immense guilt for missing milestones, skipping school events, neglecting signs of struggle, outsourcing childcare, exhaustion-fueled avoidance of parent-child quality time to name a few.
To manage my work-life balance I gave up a well-paid job, made a sharp turn on my career trajectory and found work at my child’s school. This decision is not for the faint of heart, but many circumstances (health issues, pandemic, slow economy, etc.) have led me down this path. With fewer hours and a much less stressful working environment, it was only then that I found some semblance of work-life balance. Before this, I’m not sure if I had balance of any kind.
The most effective strategy in juggling work and family responsibilities is to pick your (internal) battles. I’ve learned to let go of some of my own persistence (or insistence?), something as simple as allowing my child to order school lunch instead of waking up extra early to freshly prepare a homemade one. My child is a little older now, so I have also been handing over some household chores to both build her independence as well as alleviate some of my own responsibilities.
One can sometimes find support from places they least expect. I am so grateful that the school at which I work has been more than gracious at coordinating schedules that allow me to be present as a member of staff and as a parent to my child. The people I work with are very generous and understanding, making it safe and welcoming for my child to stay by me after school. She spends time finishing her homework, then enjoys helping around the classrooms. In that sense, I rely on my child a lot, too.
The biggest challenge as a working mum is finding time to be focused and alone with my own thoughts is but a distant memory. I don’t think I’ve finished a thought since 2014. There are dreams and passions that have been put on hold not only because of a lack of time, but also because there is more to lose as a parent. The financial aspect of raising a child in Hong Kong is also very challenging, something made worse when I took a pay-cut to switch careers. You win some, you lose some, but it’s not a decision I regret.
My advice to new working mums would be that a child needs their mother’s presence and genuine attention more than anything materialistic you can offer. Spending quality time with them could mean reading together in the evenings, having one-on-one chats without judgement and opinions, teaching them about compassion and empathy, introducing them to cultures outside their own. Do take the time to speak with therapists and specialists not only to manage your emotions, but to educate yourself on how to listen and communicate with your child. Try your damned hardest to let go of societal “norms” and not succumb to peer pressure. Just because your friend’s child is training with an Olympic ice skater 6 days a week does not mean your child would thrive in the same environment. Everyone is unique; stay in tune with your child’s needs and act in their best interest only.
When I can convince my child to detach from my side, her father obligingly takes her on hikes and explores New Territories neighborhoods. Upon special occasions, she is allowed to sleep over at a trusted friend’s house. We have a tight-knit mom group and take turns hosting. I’d like to say I fit in a workout during this time, but most often I will stay in bed and doom scroll funny contents…not terribly inspiring but most definitely necessary.
To connect with my child, I talk less and ask more. Learning to keep my own ego in check when trying to connect with my child is something that I still struggle with. It’s never too late to self-correct, to put aside your own opinions and instead, ask your child for theirs. I want to create a safe space for her to express herself freely and to further secure that framework of trust and support. Our family also connects through movie nights. We enjoy grabbing a large tub of popcorn and indulging in a good zombie film.